In a shocking twist to the buzz surrounding today’s release of the Mitchell Report; the results of Senator George Mitchell’s 18-month investigation into performance-enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball; only one name comes as a huge shock to fans, long-time St. Louis Cardinals mute yet jovial mascot Fredbird. Cardinal center-fielder Jim Edmonds had this to say, “I don’t understand why everyone’s so shocked by this news. The warning signs were there. His head alone has been getting bigger & bigger for several seasons now & let’s face it; nobody has that much energy without some serious doping.” It’s true that while the players tend to physically wear down over the course of a game, Fred has been going full-tilt from two hours before each game until well after the last fan left the stadium day-in & day-out. However the casual fan probably wouldn’t notice because he’s rarely in one place longer than a minute or two.
“Of course I knew he was on the juice,” long-time friend Cincinnati mascot Mr. Red said. “But what are you going to do? He wouldn’t listen to reason & I’m certainly not the kind of guy to rat-out a friend.”
Fredbird was unavailable for comment, but 19 year-old Brandi, a representative from Team Fredbird, told us that he’s anxious just to accept whatever punishment is handed down, get it over with & get on with the business of entertaining & invigorating lackadaisical fans. She then giggled & twisted a strand of peroxide blonde hair around her index finger before skipping away.
The repercussions of today’s news are yet to be determined, but the consensus at the Hot Shot’s sports bar on Manchester is that it will deeply affect the sports world in a markedly negative way. Buzzed from a liquid lunch, fan Roberto R. Robertson slurred, “It’s hard not to lose your faith in a sport that would let a guy like Fred hang himself like this just to make a bigger buck. There’s more to baseball than the bottom line. There’s also overpriced beer & foam fingers, & they can’t take that away from us! WOOOOOOOO!”