Handlebars of Doom

Halloween is nearly upon us, so it’s time once again to revisit the topic I know EVERYONE has been waiting for… Mustachioed Costume ideas!

Between my original list of ten last year, the seven runners-up & the approximately 23 left in the comments, you would think that the proverbial soup-strainer well would run dry. But you would be so wrong!

So start growing your nose-neighbor and check out these ten additions for 2009;


Brenden Ryan: Maybe I’m a little partial to Brenden because I am a St. Louis Cardinals fan, but his was a great story for 2009. He started out the season as a utility infielder and ended up as an every-day shortstop for the division champion team. In case you didn’t know, the starting pitching staff along with a handful of other team members decided to grow mustaches at the same time for some reason. It lasted a while, but Brenden was the only one that kept it up after everyone else reached for their razors. And oh what a glorious ‘stache it was! So glorious in fact that Ryan was nominated for the 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year by the American Mustache Institute.


Chesley Burnett “Sully” Sullenberger III: Another great story for 2009, as well as another nominee for the Robert Goulet award, Sully was the U.S. Airways pilot that famously landed his Airbus A320 in the Hudson River after being hit by a flock of Canada Geese.


Gabe Kaplan: Go ahead – you know you want to sing the theme song to Welcome Back, Kotter. Doesn’t everyone?


Gene Shalit: I can’t believe Shalit wasn’t mentioned at all last year. Gene has been the film and book critic for NBC’s The Today Show for nearly as long as I’ve been alive. I mean, that’s not just a mustache. That thing is a work of art!


And speaking of the news, what about John Stossel? According to his Wikipedia entry, John is a consumer reporter, investigative journalist, author, libertarian columnist, and former 20/20 co-anchor. But it says absolutely nothing about his hairy upper lip. What’s up with that?


Dale Earnhardt: I am not a Nascar fan by any stretch of the imagination, but the impact of Earnhardt’s tragic death was not lost on me. His legacy will live on forever, and I’m not just talking about his driving. That mustache should be in the hall of fame!


Paul Teutul, Sr.: Not just the founder of Orange County Choppers & star of the reality show American Chopper, but also the proud owner of one of the most magnificent & giant cookie-dusters of all time!


Glenn Hughes: better known as “the biker” from the 70’s disco group the Village People. I realize of course that it would take a very specific kind of guy to pull this off as a costume, but just think of how awesome it would be! There were other members of the Village People that sported whiskers, namely the construction worker & the cowboy, but none were ever as impressive as the biker.


John Waters: The eccentric filmmaker of such wonderful works as Hairspray, Cry-Baby, and Serial Mom, as well as cult favorites like Pink Flamingoes, still sports his trademark pencil-thin mustache that is simply “Divine”. (Get it? Divine? HA! I crack myself up.)


Daniel Day-Lewis as “Bill the Butcher”: He’s a phenomenal actor, and probably the best part of Gangs of New York. But oh what a wonderful lip-sweater!

5 thoughts on “Handlebars of Doom

  1. Mark Spitz, Ron Jeremy (got the creepies on that one), Robert Goulet, Hulk Hogan, and Capt. Lou Albano (RIP).

    Whew! That took some thought, I’m spent.

  2. I need more suggestions, I am chinese and have painstakingly grown a sweet set of chops and a rockin’ handlebar moustache. I almost want to shave and start over but it will take about 6 weeks to grow back out and I almost got fired last time I let my face grow. (I look like a hobo for the 3 weeks until I have something to shave)

  3. Somebody dropped a link to your blog on Twitter and that is where I first found your site. I like the way you write and I am going to subscribe to read more whenever I can. Oh yeah, are you on Twitter yet?

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